caught up

when i was a kid, i would ride my bike to the shopping center not far from home for no pressing reason. this shopping center was L-shaped, and in the crook of the L, tiny tornados would pick up the dust, supermarket circulars, receipts, gumwrappers, and empty cigarette packs, and whirl them around fantastically. i tried to jump into the little swirls to feel the wind spinning around me, but never really got it. what i did get as i watched, however, was an impression of the helplessness of the little shreds of detritus whose existence was governed by the wind. i wondered where they came from, how they got to this shopping center, and where they would go after this. i imagined them being stepped on, driven over, thrown into trash cans, and worn away to dust. i wondered what it was like to have no control over what happened to me, and i was glad that i didn't have to live my life in such a helpless fashion. of course, i knew that the trash that spun in the tiny tornado didn't know that it had no control. (i had an odd affection for inanimate objects as a child -- i would rescue items from the trash that my parents threw away.)

what i didn't know was that my own life was much like the tiny tornado. i didn't know how little control i had over my life, because of the enormity of the world and the forces that move upon it, my own smallness, and because of the activeness of God in life. yes, i had and have some decision-making power, and when i look back on my life i can see how the decisions i've made have, in part, brought me to where i am today. but every now and then, i catch a glimpse of the tornado again from the inside, and feel myself being spun, apparently out of control, now dipping close to the concrete, now spiraling toward the sun. this is where faith realizes that the pieces of me are all in God's hands, that he will not dash me against the ground meaninglessly, nor will he allow me to randomly collide with other children in this melee -- he holds them as well.

so why the whirlwind? why the seeming randomness? maybe it builds faith. probably, like a tornado, it isn't truly random. it's just too complex for my childish mind to decipher. God, i'm going to close my eyes now. i'm going to fix my thoughts, my hopes, and my fears upon you. help me not to worry, but to hear only your voice. help me to sleep.