coming clean

Yesterday morning walking along the green waters of the Susquehanna with the sun on my back, the mud and snow beneath my feet, and the blue sky deep and cool overhead, I felt my scattered thoughts and emotions converge for a small space in time. As I leaned against a leaning tree and took in the loveliness of the scenery, for a moment, the low sun hit the water at just the right time and angle, dazzling my eyes and making me smile unconsciously. The simple beauty of the moment struck me as romantic.

Though romance has many meanings, I think of it as a certain rightness, a consummation of feelings and ideas that cannot be forced, a harmony of separate entities that speaks to an underlying connection of truth. As the water danced with the sun's light, it occurred to me that that was nothing special in and of itself. It needed context. What made it romantic was the larger picture -- the trees, the sky, the rough and the calm portions of the river, the sky, the time of day, and the solitude. Without a meaningful context, romance becomes a veneer, just a nice decoration. Furthermore, what created the romantic situation was not the addition of something nice to a dull place, but rather a convergence of the aspects of the place that worked together harmoniously because of the way that they had grown. Similarly, in a romantic relationship, it is the harmony of the disparate parts that provides fertile soil for romance to grow naturally. Romance is not added to a relationship like a spice, but rather it grows from and through the relationship because of what was sewn into the relationship.

Romance, relationship, marriage, and purpose have been on my mind a lot lately. It's as if I've experienced a revelation that has brought me to understand that God has brought me through long periods of being alone to show me that I am not meant to be alone.

There are a lot of negative associations packaged with the notion of needing someone. If I'm a Christian, I'm only supposed to need God. But I don't think God was talking shit when he said that it is not good for the man to be alone. This was before sin entered the picture. I definitely have learned the hard way that I am no good alone. I believe that the unification of a man and a woman is truly a catalyst for bringing the two closer to God. It is not impossible to draw near to God as a single person, but it is much more difficult. (Yes, there are people who are exceptions, but these are not the rule, and I am not one of them.)

Though some might say that I shouldn't need anyone other than myself (or God), I have come to realize how good it would be to be married to a woman who will support me when I need to persevere, who will rebuke me when I lose sight of truth, who will challenge me when I am uncertain, and who will generally complement me in areas of strength and weakness. I feel within me the potential for qualities that cannot be realized while I am alone. The issue of need is an issue of goals -- I don't need anyone else to live; heck, I could muddle my way through life without knowing God, just as millions of others have, but if it is my goal to grow close to God and to reach my potential within the kingdom of God, then I believe that I need someone with me to achieve that goal.

Everyone I know who has gotten married and started a family has been changed through it. It is true that I could go through life as a loner, living for myself with only regard for how my actions affect myself, but I know in my heart of hearts that I will never be fulfilled through this life. It is frightening to me to consider being united for life with another person because I do so value time to myself, but I believe that if I find the woman who fits the description above, I will be able to experience a paradigm shift in the idea of "me-time" and also to have what time I do still need to myself. I also know that having a family changes a person's priorities and desires. I want to grow and change. This is only an example of one area that I know will be affected.

As a loner, I've never had a desire to be married, per se. But, having been involved in a number of serious relationships, I've found that when I am with someone I love, the desire to be married is intrinsic. My mistake has been that I have not been with the right person in these relationships. I will never get married simply for the sake of getting married; I do not believe that this will bear the fruit that I hope for. She must be the right person.

Why am I making my thoughts on this subject public? Because I feel that it is the responsible thing to do. These thoughts have been rattling around within me in an unstructured fashion for some time, but I have never made these thoughts public, and it becomes easy to just sort of think about things, say, "Hmmm," and leave it at that.

Pride in self-sufficiency be damned. I need a good woman.

Edit: This is not a personals ad. I am not on the prowl, scoping out every single Christian woman with childbearing hips. I don't really see my modus operandi changing, but rather my goals in life and my attitudes toward marriage and manhood.