Communication Part 1: Thoughts, Feelings, and Beliefs
I love communication. Exchanging ideas with other people is extremely rewarding, but communication is limited. Language, our primary means of communication, is a convention, and no two people have an identical set of convention paramaters within their minds. Translating thoughts, feelings, and beliefs into words is no mean feat, and I think it's fair to say that everyone runs into hitches and snags here and there. We add vocal inflections, noises, and body language to verbal communication in order to enhance the meaning and impact of our words, but this adds an additional layer of complexity that can both help and hinder. This is an enormous topic, and I have no idea how many books, lectures, discussions, and knock-down, drag-out brawls have been dedicated to it. With this in mind, I'm not going to try to tackle the entire beast, but rather to hit some strategic points in hopes of taming it just a little. In this rather unprocessed essay, I will use myself as an example a lot. You might get the impression that I am deeply disturbed, but I'm using myself for simplicity's sake, not as an actual example. I'm also going to talk a lot about hurt because I see hurt as one of the primary dangers of communication problems.
The ideas that we communicate can be broken down into three categories: Thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. By thoughts I mean ideas that are based on rationality, syllogisms, experiences, cause and effect, etc. By feelings, I mean intuitions, emotions, and other senses that extend beyond the five physical senses. By beliefs, I mean things that we hold to be true, regardless of physical, empirical, or logical evidence. I consider many communication problems to be a result of confusing these categories.
Sometimes feelings are confused with beliefs. This is easy to do because both feelings and beliefs have qualities that extend beyond the intellect and the senses. Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish between the two. So what is the harm in confusing the two? Let's consider the qualities of feelings in contrast to the qualities of beliefs. To some extent, everything that we know and experience is founded upon beliefs. We believe that our senses are communicating in actuality what is happening around us. We believe that we exist. We believe that things that happen have causes. We believe that God does or does not exist. Beliefs are strong and they do not change readily because they govern our thoughts and actions. When beliefs change, there is often a paradigm change as well that leads to a change in behavior. For this reason, we guard our beliefs carefully as a natural part of self-preservation.
Feelings, however, change because emotions change, situations change, and intuitions change. One minute I might feel like everyone loves me. The next I might feel like the lowest of the low, despicable. If I regard my feelings as beliefs, then I will end up making false assertions or false accusations toward people. If I am feeling unloved, it becomes easy to interpret someone's actions through my own feelings and come to the conclusion that someone's actions were intended to hurt me. When I regard my feelings as simply feelings, and I later feel differently, however, I may realize that the other person meant me no ill will. If, however, I take those feelings and elevate them to the status of a belief, then later, when my feelings have calmed, my belief in that other person's ill will will not dissipate. I am building a belief system of persecution. The result is an inability to address the real issue, leading to perplexing arguments that cannot easily be resolved, and deepened hurt within both me and the other person, which strengthens this errant belief system.
When beliefs are regarded as feelings, often the result is a seemingly fickle attitude, confusing changes of mind, and guilt. For example, if I believe that some behavior is ethically wrong, yet I discount this belief as a feeling, and I am involved in some type of relationship with someone who engages in this behavior, then the result will likely be an outward expression of not minding that other person's actions, while inside I will find myself experiencing extreme disapproval, anger, guilt, and possibly hurt as a result. The discussions and arguments that result from this will be tainted by my beliefs regarding this person's behavior, but because I think that I should be okay with the other person's behavior, I cannot say what I really believe. Once again, the issue at hand will be mistaken, and the arguments will become perplexing and unresolvable.
Other times, feelings and thoughts are confused. This type of situation seems more straightforward to me. Thoughts are rational and have reasons behind them. Feelings are as valuable as thoughts, but when feelings are treated as thoughts, miscommunication ensues. Though the result is similar to the result of confusing feelings and beliefs, I find the confusing of thoughts and feelings to be more insidious because this type of error can result in a skewed memory. If, once again, I feel hurt by someone, it becomes easy to misremember their actions and words in light of the way that I felt at the time. So when the actions and words in question come up again, I am contending with an entirely different impression of the situation than the other person. What ensues are discussions of who said exactly what and did exactly what when, with two different versions of the story in conflict. Similarly, if I feel righteous in my position, then the discussion can become skewed in my memory by this feeling. This is extremely difficult to deal with because, once again, as time goes on, the issue at hand is not addressed in my communication with the other person. The only solution I am aware of is to maintain consciousness of my own feelings and to keep those separate from deep emotions I may be feeling at the time. Awareness of the other person's feelings is also essential. When someone seems irrational or otherwise behaves in a perplexing way, it is often because of underlying feelings that may or may not be related to the situation at hand.
When I feel hurt, I desire vindication. Admitting that I am mistaken when I feel hurt is doubly wounding. I think that this is fairly universal, and it is important to recognize that when someone is hurt, I don't necessarily want to win an argument or come out on top in a discussion. Rather, the more important thing is to address the feelings and situation around the hurt. As an analytical person, it is difficult to let go of the intellectual side of a discussion in order to explore the feelings and beliefs behind someone else's assertions, but it is often necessary. I want to drive straight to the heart of a matter and determine whether or not I am being reasonable, or if I will discover problems in the other person's stance. Truth is always my ultimate goal, but love, understanding, and kindness should not be sacrificed for the sake of truth. Feelings exist for reasons and must be addressed and contended with, both for myself and others, so I must often drive a crooked road to the heart of the discussion. Sometimes the destination changes. Sometimes the journey can be significantly shortened by getting at the feelings and beliefs that are in play.
More to come...
I love communication. Exchanging ideas with other people is extremely rewarding, but communication is limited. Language, our primary means of communication, is a convention, and no two people have an identical set of convention paramaters within their minds. Translating thoughts, feelings, and beliefs into words is no mean feat, and I think it's fair to say that everyone runs into hitches and snags here and there. We add vocal inflections, noises, and body language to verbal communication in order to enhance the meaning and impact of our words, but this adds an additional layer of complexity that can both help and hinder. This is an enormous topic, and I have no idea how many books, lectures, discussions, and knock-down, drag-out brawls have been dedicated to it. With this in mind, I'm not going to try to tackle the entire beast, but rather to hit some strategic points in hopes of taming it just a little. In this rather unprocessed essay, I will use myself as an example a lot. You might get the impression that I am deeply disturbed, but I'm using myself for simplicity's sake, not as an actual example. I'm also going to talk a lot about hurt because I see hurt as one of the primary dangers of communication problems.
The ideas that we communicate can be broken down into three categories: Thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. By thoughts I mean ideas that are based on rationality, syllogisms, experiences, cause and effect, etc. By feelings, I mean intuitions, emotions, and other senses that extend beyond the five physical senses. By beliefs, I mean things that we hold to be true, regardless of physical, empirical, or logical evidence. I consider many communication problems to be a result of confusing these categories.
Sometimes feelings are confused with beliefs. This is easy to do because both feelings and beliefs have qualities that extend beyond the intellect and the senses. Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish between the two. So what is the harm in confusing the two? Let's consider the qualities of feelings in contrast to the qualities of beliefs. To some extent, everything that we know and experience is founded upon beliefs. We believe that our senses are communicating in actuality what is happening around us. We believe that we exist. We believe that things that happen have causes. We believe that God does or does not exist. Beliefs are strong and they do not change readily because they govern our thoughts and actions. When beliefs change, there is often a paradigm change as well that leads to a change in behavior. For this reason, we guard our beliefs carefully as a natural part of self-preservation.
Feelings, however, change because emotions change, situations change, and intuitions change. One minute I might feel like everyone loves me. The next I might feel like the lowest of the low, despicable. If I regard my feelings as beliefs, then I will end up making false assertions or false accusations toward people. If I am feeling unloved, it becomes easy to interpret someone's actions through my own feelings and come to the conclusion that someone's actions were intended to hurt me. When I regard my feelings as simply feelings, and I later feel differently, however, I may realize that the other person meant me no ill will. If, however, I take those feelings and elevate them to the status of a belief, then later, when my feelings have calmed, my belief in that other person's ill will will not dissipate. I am building a belief system of persecution. The result is an inability to address the real issue, leading to perplexing arguments that cannot easily be resolved, and deepened hurt within both me and the other person, which strengthens this errant belief system.
When beliefs are regarded as feelings, often the result is a seemingly fickle attitude, confusing changes of mind, and guilt. For example, if I believe that some behavior is ethically wrong, yet I discount this belief as a feeling, and I am involved in some type of relationship with someone who engages in this behavior, then the result will likely be an outward expression of not minding that other person's actions, while inside I will find myself experiencing extreme disapproval, anger, guilt, and possibly hurt as a result. The discussions and arguments that result from this will be tainted by my beliefs regarding this person's behavior, but because I think that I should be okay with the other person's behavior, I cannot say what I really believe. Once again, the issue at hand will be mistaken, and the arguments will become perplexing and unresolvable.
Other times, feelings and thoughts are confused. This type of situation seems more straightforward to me. Thoughts are rational and have reasons behind them. Feelings are as valuable as thoughts, but when feelings are treated as thoughts, miscommunication ensues. Though the result is similar to the result of confusing feelings and beliefs, I find the confusing of thoughts and feelings to be more insidious because this type of error can result in a skewed memory. If, once again, I feel hurt by someone, it becomes easy to misremember their actions and words in light of the way that I felt at the time. So when the actions and words in question come up again, I am contending with an entirely different impression of the situation than the other person. What ensues are discussions of who said exactly what and did exactly what when, with two different versions of the story in conflict. Similarly, if I feel righteous in my position, then the discussion can become skewed in my memory by this feeling. This is extremely difficult to deal with because, once again, as time goes on, the issue at hand is not addressed in my communication with the other person. The only solution I am aware of is to maintain consciousness of my own feelings and to keep those separate from deep emotions I may be feeling at the time. Awareness of the other person's feelings is also essential. When someone seems irrational or otherwise behaves in a perplexing way, it is often because of underlying feelings that may or may not be related to the situation at hand.
When I feel hurt, I desire vindication. Admitting that I am mistaken when I feel hurt is doubly wounding. I think that this is fairly universal, and it is important to recognize that when someone is hurt, I don't necessarily want to win an argument or come out on top in a discussion. Rather, the more important thing is to address the feelings and situation around the hurt. As an analytical person, it is difficult to let go of the intellectual side of a discussion in order to explore the feelings and beliefs behind someone else's assertions, but it is often necessary. I want to drive straight to the heart of a matter and determine whether or not I am being reasonable, or if I will discover problems in the other person's stance. Truth is always my ultimate goal, but love, understanding, and kindness should not be sacrificed for the sake of truth. Feelings exist for reasons and must be addressed and contended with, both for myself and others, so I must often drive a crooked road to the heart of the discussion. Sometimes the destination changes. Sometimes the journey can be significantly shortened by getting at the feelings and beliefs that are in play.
More to come...
posted by transfigure @ 11:17 PM
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