the thick of it

Today I tried to get into my apartment with my office key. I arrived home early, at about 9pm, and it's funny how 9 can feel like an early day afteer working until midnight for three days. I've worked 60 hours and it's only Thursday. I couldn't make myself sit still, and even now after an hour, taking apart a decade-old computer and replacing the hard drive and CD-ROM, half-hour of Ghost in the Shell SAC, and two fingers of Scotch, I am having trouble sitting here.

One week of intense work is not all that bad, you might think, even if I have ben pulling 55-hour weeks for most of the past month. Like the taste of bubblegum can take you back to your childhood, a week of late nights can take me back to that time about a year and a half ago during which I did 60+ hour weeks for over a year. During this time I did little more than work, smoke, drink, mess with my stereo, and watch anime. I had to cancel my trip to Cincinnati that had been planned for months. I still have tons of work to do, but I am less stressed knowing that I have tomorrow to do some of it. I feel as if my personality has atrophied and shrunk, and that I am less of a person now than I was a month ago.

I hate this feeling. But I do not want to be a boo-hoo blogger, so I will say that I am glad to have an early night tonight. I am glad that it is summer, and that the earth is bursting with green, and that the air is dripping with moisture to the point that I feel like I will be dissolved. I am glad that my good friends in Cincinnati understand why I cannot come to visit them this weekend. I am glad that I will get to see some friends nearby this weekend. I am looking forward to some vigorous drinking. I am looking forward to hopping off the quit-smoking wagon this weekend. I am especially looking forward to seeing the woman I love tomorrow.

On a slightly differnt topic, I find it fascinating that Christians are often most passionate about things they disagree on. There is a Christian-populated discussion board that I participate in (though I haven't as much lately, since my home computer crapped out). Activity has been slow there for the past month or so (which leads me to believe that I am not the only one whose life has gone utterly nutso lately), but just a couple days ago someone posted regarding possession, and the discussion quickly turned to spiritual gifts and tongues and the thread has grown more quickly than any other thread there in recent history.

I think that this is because Christians are insane about truth. We believe in ideas that are culled from scripture, from our own studies, from what we learn in church, and from what we learn from other Christians. Because faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see, we hold to these ideas like our lives depend on it and call them truth. None of us wants to be wrong about that which we have placed our faith in. This makes me pause. In what have we placed our faith? In our understanding of scripture? In our theologies? In our own rational minds? In our feelings and hunches? What does it mean to have faith in God in this context? Is it possible to believe in God without holding to a system of theology and belief that is not plain in scripture, but ratheer extrapolated from scripture? Is it true that you must have a nearly inexhaustable understanding of the historical, national, cultural, and social context in which each word of scripture was written in its original language in order to truly know God? Or does knowing God come not through studying and rationalizing, but from reading scripture, from communion, prayer, and conversation with God, from leaning on him when we cannot see him, and from speaking honestly to those around us about our relationship with him?

What it comes down to for me is that it is not the case that the owner of truth is the one who can most powerfully present his or her case for their system of belief. What it comes down to for me is that there are many believers in the Lord Jesus' death and bodily resurrection who hold to vastly different views of theology, and yet all of whom bear plentiful fruit for the kingdom of God. This says to me that it does not matter whether you believe that tongues are of God or of Satan. It does not matter whether you are dispensational or covenantal in your theology. It does not matter whether you were baptised as a baby, as a child, or as an adult. It does not matter that you believe in a literal millenium or in a figurative millenium. It does not matter that you believe that you chose God or that God chose you. None of these beliefs will make you any more or less effective for Christ. What will make you more or less effective for Christ is whether or not you act out what you believe in your heart of hearts; whether or not you exhibit the fruit of the spirit; whether or not you love your neighbor; whether or not you confess Christ openly.

I think that some of the most beautiful words in the English language are, "You might be right." How much misunderstanding, anger, hurt, and loss could be avoided between people if we simply admitted more often that the othere person might be right? Is it truly weakness to admit that you don't know for sure? I don't believe that we do know most things for sure. I could be wrong, but I believe that too much certainty is like a handle for the sin of pride. Let us, as Christians, focus on what we believe together, not on what we disagree on. This is easier said than done. I know.

There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.

It has ben quite some time since I have posted, and it isn't because I have nothing to say. I've been working like crazy since the week before Memorial Day, including nights, some on the weekends, and Memorial Day itself. My home computer also essentially died, meaning that the ethenet interface has failed, so I can't access the web. And a computer without web access today is like an airplane without wings. I'm on my work laptop right now.

Over the past few weeks, the thoughts have come and gone, and I've wanted to write so much, but I've had no time even to take notes when the thoughts arrived. Now that I do have a few minutes, the thoughts are gone, and I feel unmoored. The pattern of working constantly is so deplorable, yet easy to slide into. When I'm not working, I look at the mess of my apartment and everything I need to attend to, and it means nothing. Tonight I cut my hair because I know that is something I can do.

News today: Apple is switching to Intel microprocessors: http://www.apple.com/pr/library/2005/jun/06intel.html
This means that not only do we at my company have to migrate to a new operating system with all new software before too long, but shortly after that, we will have to migrate to new hardware and new software. This is truly frustrating. It's almost enough to make me want to leave Apple forever.

In other news, I received a notice from my health insurance company that they are going to cover $50 of my wisdom tooth extraction, saying that the surgeon charged more than they consider allowable. This leaves me with over $900 to pay. Come on. Who would cut out two impacted wisdom teeth, one infected, for $50? I don't think I could get that rate in Mexico. I just got a new car complete with monthly payments. I owe $500 in taxes. WTF? Must I consider a life of crime? Do I even have the skills necessary to profit in crime?

My parents are trying to invoke the disability clause in their mortgage. My father got a statement of disability from his doctor. If they can invoke this clause, then they will not have to pay their mortgage for at least a year. In that time period, maybe my mom can get a job. Who knows. God's got something good in store for them, right?

I have been happy lately. It is truly wonderful to be loved, and this makes the difficulties in my life seem weak and ineffective to harm me. Thank you, Merry. Thank you, God.