I feel like a large dog has me in its jaws and is shaking me, pausing, shaking me harder, pausing again, and so on. I do not know what is going to break or how, but I am beginning to feel at my limits. I am contending with upheaval in areas of work, money, family, romance, and the spiritual. I do not know what God wants me to learn through all of this. Obviously, to rely on him. Hopefully there's something not so obvious in there as well.

Just one thing that's been troubling me: I have been feeling pressured to reconsider my views on scripture, yet again. Lately I've been wondering if I've thrown the baby out with the bathwater, and a conversation I had last night has me chewing the cud again on this topic. It would be so much easier if I could just believe again that the Bible is the word of God. But I cannot force myself to re-believe, and arguments may penetrate my mind, but they cannot take the place of a genuine belief. So this is in God's hands. I mentioned before that God has whittled me down spiritually to only the most basic faith. Perhaps the revisiting of this issue is a part of the rebuilding process. I hope so. I'm tired of being viewed as a substandard Christian because of this.

Today I do not want to go to church because there are many things I need to do. But I can't concentrate on these things in order to get them done. I can't sit still for more than a few minutes. So I will go.